The two questions…

What do near-fatal incidents, self reflection and death all have in common? They all, for me at least, help to put life into perspective. Each of these offers a different view point, for example a close encounter might help us to realize what really matters to us and what isn't worth the stress. Similarly, self reflection can help us see where we may be wasting time or opportunities and how we can improve on that.

I don't know if it is just me, but when somebody I'm close to passes away, I cease worrying about all my little problems and stop thinking that the world owes me a favor. Instead, I feel inspired to make the most of this opportunity, because it can disappear at any time.

It is as if the illusion and distorted view I have of reality starts to sink away and things start to become clear.

Over the last year, quite a few people have passed away and moved on to some other place. Yet, up until very recently I never realized quite what it was about death that inspired me to take action in life and stop taking the things that matter to me for granted. The effects of this inspiration never seemed to last very long, but I was always curious about what it was.

After sitting down and pondering over this for a while, the answer hit me. I came across a very simple, yet elegant understanding for what was happening: I was aligning myself with truth.

That is it, the catalyst of life that hit me when someone close passed away. I was simply seeing reality in its true form. The truth that:

• The little problems we have in life really aren't that important
  
• Our time on earth is fragile and we should make the most of it
  
• This is it, this is life, right now
  

There were more things that became clear to me, but those are arguably the most important. Once I had this realization, I started to look at how I can apply this simple understanding of truth to propel me to take action in life. After all, simply telling ourselves to "make the most of this opportunity" rarely results in some continued, effective, output.

I decided to look at my current situation and I formed two questions that helped me to really put things into perspective. I believe that everyone can benefit from answering these, the key being that you need to apply the principle of truth in your responses. If you don't, the only person you are fooling is you.

Question 1: If someone had a video tape of your typical day, what would they see?

I'm not talking about some bad habits you might have or an argument with a family member, instead I'm referring to your productive actions. Would they see you working hard at in your day job? Would they see you wasting time on irrelevant activities? Would they see you taking action or being complacent because you don't believe in yourself?

I don't know what it is about this question, but when I asked it to myself, the answer wasn't pretty. I realized that in my typical day I can let the smallest things get me down, I waste time checking email that doesn't need to be read, just to feel busy and so on. I take for granted the roof over my head, the food on the table and the abundance of clothes I can put on every morning.

"How you live each day is, of course, how you live your life"…anonymous

It is only through honest self-assessment through this question that you can realize where your shortcomings may lie. After that, it is down to you to take this realization and use it to help you take action and change things for the better.

Question 2: Based on your current actions and behaviors, where would you expect to be in five years?

Note that this isn't asking where you would like to be; this is taking into consideration your current efforts and looking at where you would expect to be. As with the previous question, answering this requires you being totally truthful.

Unlike my response to the first question, my answer to this was fairly positive. I took out a piece of paper and jotted down both the question and my response. My reply basically stated that I was heading in the right direction (I would continue to work for myself and try to help heal people through using my knowledge and inspire via my blog) but I could be doing much more.

"You can't escape the consequences of your actions." - Steve Pavlina

Because it is so easy and addictive I have found that I would often waste time on sites like Twitter, Facebook, StumbleUpon and even instant messaging clients. I decided to start to push these out of my life, and even set myself a 7-day self-discipline challenge where I would not use them at all. And I thought giving up sweets was bad.

If I kept up my current actions for the next five years then I might be maintaining a steady income and have helped thousands of people live up to their true potential. Yet, it would actually take the five years, whereas this is probably something I could do in the next one or two by focusing on clients in person rather than making contacts via social networking.

It is only through giving a truthful answer to this question that I can fix my flaws, rather than living in the illusion that I'm doing my best or everything is as good as it can be.

It may be the case that you're happy with the answers you've written down or worked out, and if so, congratulations. Keep doing what you're doing. On the other hand, I suspect a lot of people won't be proud of the results after honestly giving this exercise some thought. If that's you, then you've now taken the first and quite possibly the hardest step to rectify the situation and start creating the life you're meant to live.

I truly hope that everyone who has taken the time to really ponder over these internal enquiries has benefited from gaining a new, honest perspective about their lives. Now it's just up to change the things that you feel you should…

I've enjoyed writing over the last few years and hope you all stay tuned… Til next time.

Mindset...

I was reading a magazine article about Muhammad Ali the other day… I smiled when I read this quote. (Ali was 3x world heavyweight boxing champion and generally considered the “greatest boxer of all time”.)

"Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion."

It's the last sentence from a longer quote of Ali's that goes as follows: "I hated every minute of the training, but I said, Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion."

How many of us who would read this quote would "get" the message – my guess is some would - many wouldn’t. The ones who did will succeed. The ones who believed they didn't need to suffer at all - well, my guess is that they'll never get anywhere.

Suffering is a state of mind that you go through on the way to focused bliss. Think about the foregoing sentence for a moment. I may be wrong, but I think I know what Ali meant when he said he hated every minute of the training. I don't think he "literally" meant what he said.

I believe what he meant was: When I wasn't focused on my goal, the training was hard. Unbearable. Brutal. I hated it. It was insufferable. But as soon as I put my mind on the goal, I could handle it. I could bear it. I stopped suffering. I could endure the training. I could keep going.

As a college athlete, I discovered this truth during practices where my side ached in pain; when my sweats were soaked and dripping with perspiration; when my shoes were sopped and left a slosh with every step.

I wanted to quit. I wanted to call it a day.

But a message came to me in the midst of my agony. The message was as follows: "Put your mind on your goal and all will be okay."

I was more fortunate than most and could do this on a daily basis. I started thinking about hitting winning shot after shot - I pictured being written up in the newspaper, interviewed on television - and so on.

Next thing I knew - not much more than a few seconds later, the side ache was gone. The pain was no more. I ran as if in a state of reverie.

Best of all, by doing this, when it came time for competition, a funny thing happened: I won the tournament, got interviewed, got written up in the papers.

Strange? Not at all.

Before you begin working toward a goal - all you see is the finish line. All you see is the celebration. Then, when you're challenged to see how badly you want it - you may have a tendency to forget the finish line. The trick is to keep your eyes on the prize while also staying focused on what you're doing in the present moment.

Some goals come easier than others. Champions understand this. But the achievements champions prize more than anything, are the battles that tested them with every fiber of their being.

Think about this today. If you are suffering - refocus and watch the pain dissipate. Keep doing this and the prize will go to YOU.

"Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a CHAMPION."

Til next time…

Striving to adapt...

One of the many lessons and probably first lesson I learned from my sport coaches was the importance of being able to 'adapt and improvise’. To have the ability to change course on the fly and still come out ahead. In today’s world I think this concept is critically important, not only to the athlete, but to anyone who wants to be at the top of any profession or maintain a job.

Here goes a blast from my past…

It was the day after a dual meet with College of DuPage, if we had won the meet we would have had a bye to the junior college national tournament. We didn’t and our season though not over, felt like it was. We were all pretty disappointed. We all knew it was a season that didn’t live up to expectations, but we still had some matches before our conference tournament where we would have a chance individually at some redemption. Our head coach; a man by the name of Gene Richards stood before us with a legal pad in his hands - giving each player a brutal evaluation in front of the entire team - something you're just not supposed to do in today's politically correct 'feelings first' world.

A couple of my team mates received a boatload of praise for their performance; others were told what they needed to do to improve; two were deeply criticized. Don't know what it was about Gene, but he could pretty much say whatever he wanted and you would listen. Maybe it was his advanced age, maybe he just knew what the hell he was talking about, being a former Australian and US amateur doubles champion didn’t hurt and after licking our wounds always listened.

Yet, nothing he said was ever sugar-coated or communicated in order to please. The good thing about Gene was that we ALWAYS knew where we stood. He was consistent.

After critiquing the first few players, Gene began evaluating our only All-American on our team - Jeff, who lost a close match to a former Marine - who also happened to be an All-American.

"You know Jeff," he said. "You're one of these guys who go out to compete with a plan. And then when the plan doesn't work, you fall to pieces. It's okay to have a plan - but when the plan doesn't fit - you've got to be able to change gears and do whatever you need to do to win."

When I heard this I was stunned - mostly because I, too, was one of those players who didn’t have a lot of experience but did put together a plan. And like Jeff, if the plan didn't work - I was s-o-l.

In tennis we are taught to practice various strokes and patterns of strokes over and over and over again. And we train in such a way so that "what we know" becomes second nature.

As a former champion Gene pulled me aside one day and told me that "You've got to know your game inside and out. That you have to know the shots you can make for that given day like the back of your hand. You've got to be able to do them in your sleep." What he was talking about is being "programmed" to react in a certain way to specific situations. And he's right.

On the other hand, what he told Jeff was equally right. You've got to be prepared and able to change gears, to adapt and improvise - and be able to do so right during the heat of battle.

This is something that may not come easily - but it is possible, regardless of your endeavor. It's all a matter of training, confidence and the willingness to flow into something else - on the fly.

On more than one occasion I’ve witnessed examples of how this philosophy of "having a plan but being flexible" is NOT simply a athletic strategy. It applies to everything. It even applies to a business meeting or seminar.

One of the things I have noted about many presenters is their reliance on "Power Point" when they talk.

Occasionally I will use one - albeit with blank slides or cartoons in between the actual content, - so that I am forced to communicate based on the audience feedback, not based on 'what does my next slide say.' But most of the time all I want is a microphone and that's plenty, in my book.

There are a few reasons why I don't like Power Point and they tie nicely into this concept of planning what you're going to say, but being willing to adapt and improvise. One of the biggest reasons I don't like to rely on Power Point is simple: What if suddenly, during the middle of your talk, the computer shuts down?

Well, if it does, can the speaker immediately adapt and improvise? Most of the time, when I have witnessed this happen - the speaker is totally thrown and then clueless about what comes next.

You feel bad for the speaker the same way you feel bad for an athlete who is stumped by an opponent who comes out to fight with techniques and strategies you have never seen before, haven't prepared for and cannot defend.

Like my coaches I believe the ultimate level of skill is being able to flow with whatever is happening, whether you prepared for it or not - yet still come out smelling like a rose.

I think only a handful of speakers or athletes can actually do this. But every person has it within himself to do so. If you study the top people in any profession, take note how relaxed and calm they are when they are performing or competing. This is critically important.

Then think back to the times in your life in which you are able to adapt with ease. I'm betting you've had the experience and the first thing you'll recall about it was that you were totally relaxed and having a good time. You weren't stressed out or worried about how you were going to do. You simply went with the flow.

Having a plan can help you relax. I know it helps me. But knowing I can adapt and improvise if the plan isn't working - that's a level of skill worth striving for.

Til next time….

moaners! &%$#

This past weekend I had some time with myself (no, not in the biblical sense) but had some time to reflect and muse over some of the things I won’t miss when my career at the JCC ends in about 3 weeks. One of the things I won’t miss is the very small percentage of the colleagues that continue to moan about life’s circumstances. Quite frankly they are using too much of my air!

I sat in a meeting not too long ago where I had to use every bit of self control to not jump on the desk and scream at these people to just stop- Stop, Stop, Stop…the frigging moaning!

These folks don’t understand that their moans are not heard! That moaning and self pity does not serve them in any positive way. That constant moaning is tiresome, it is disempowering and frankly it is very unattractive, because it is spilling over with self pity. And more importantly just pisses me off and gives me an eye tick!

When I was heavily into traveling the oceans lecturing on physical fitness, one of the first things I learned and one of the primary lessons taught to us was the need for the individual to accept personal responsibility. If you talk to the police they will tell you (and rightly so) that your personal security is first and foremost your own responsibility. It is not theirs. They will do their utmost to prevent crimes against the person and they we be diligent in trying to stop a crime in progress and solve crimes and prosecute criminals post assault. But the fact still remains that your security always was, always is and always will be your problem.

Personally, I have extended that lesson of self-defense against an assailant on the street to self-defense against the self (defending yourself against your own shadows, addictions and ignorance) I find myself evangelizing the self same message.

Your personal security is your responsibility. It is not the responsibility of the judiciary.

Your health is your responsibility; it is not the charge of the medical fraternity.(They are only really there to mend and heal what is already broken and worn)

Your welfare is your responsibility. It is not the liability of the state, even if you think it is, even if you wish it was. Stop trying to shame some smarmy politician into admitting his duck-pond guilt and instead look in the mirror; shame yourself, be guilty that you are not in charge of your own life.

Your employment (and how much money you earn) it determined by you, if your job is below you and the wages poor you are accountable. You and you alone. By studying and increasing skills anyone can make them selves more valuable, more recession proof in the work place. Your education is also your responsibility, in the public libraries you have access to every book ever written, by the greatest representatives of our species. They are all free. If you are under educated you will not have to look far if you want some one to blame. Your pension is definitely your responsibility, you have a whole life time to prepare for your retirement, and if you fail to prepare then you should be prepared to fail – and don’t point the finger at anyone other than the man in the mirror.

Ultimately your life is your responsibility. Even God helps only those that help themselves. And the moment you surrender that responsibility to a third of fourth party you “disempower” yourself, and become obsolete and impotent.

How many times have you heard the pathetic and the weedy and the wan attack the police for not policing them or the government for not governing them or the doctors and nurses for not caring. Who the f**k wants to be governed, why would you want to be policed by some one else and, let me tell you, doctors will be far more inspired to care for you when they can see that you have bothered to care for yourself.

If you are not a self sovereign, if you don’t lead your self, you become anybody’s “Bi**h”, you become everybody’s lackey and like a carriage without a directing passenger you will be driven and dragged in the direction of the strongest forces, but they will not be the forces of your own will, and you will be taken in every direction, but it will not be a direction of choice.

Your life is not their responsibility it is yours. To be truly safe you must ‘self’ police. For perpetually good life policies, you must ‘self’ govern; look after the body politic. And to be in good health…heal thy self.

This is exciting! This is very exciting.

When you stop blaming and claiming and shaming and take charge of your self, when you empower your self and take responsibility for your own bones you become one very powerful, one very rare and one very attractive individual, and you permission your self to access a brave and limitless existence.

You are great! You are your own police. You are your own medicine. You employ and govern yourself. You are your own Alpha and you are your own Omega. You are your only enemy, you are you only friend.

So please….stop the “F*ng” moaning about who is letting you down and stop letting yourself down. You’ll be surprised that when you are determined to wholly take responsibility for your existence, (insert the deity of your choice), or the universe will proffer you the power to own and determine that existence.

Til next time…

Perfect practice...

When I frown, complain, or otherwise lose touch with my positive side, my family and friends tease me about emotional awareness, the benefits of smiling, or one of my other upbeat article topics that I've written about in the past. Damn this blog!

I get their point; it’s funny to think that my writing could cause people to imagine me as a smiling, Buddha-like guru, the perfect model of mental health and enlightenment. And that image isn’t entirely false… I do have a buddha like belly - (albiet smaller than last year), smile a lot, and I believe in the benefits of mindfulness, awareness, and a positive attitude. But you know something that I don’t believe in? Perfection.

Do I sound a little defensive? I am. I'm virgo! - but really the truth is, while I claim that perfection is a myth, part of me still expects that I can and should be perfect. Yes, there is some degree of social expectation to be at our best all the time; I detect a touch of challenge in the good-natured ribbing of my friends. But the real challenge resides in my own mind, in the pressure that I place on myself.

Here’s how it looks for me when I’m not so self-aware: on a low energy day, I push myself and demand accomplishment. I keep a mental list of what I’ve done that day, which inevitably won’t measure up to my expectations. Or when a bad mood comes, I fight it and try to act as though everything is okay. Now, I know I’m not the only one who does this. Yet although these “downs” are normal parts of our energy and temperament cycles, we hide them away like shameful defects. Why the pressure to be— to appear—so perfect when we’re doing the best that we can?

Obstacles and uncertainty are a natural part of the self-improvement process. Being honest about our vulnerabilities deepens the value of this process by setting more realistic expectations and connecting us to one another. That’s why I include examples of my own experience in my writing. When we acknowledge our shared weaknesses and common humanity, everyone can breathe a sigh of relief because it’s safe to be ourselves. And in accepting our own fallibility and lack of control over external circumstances, we can more readily accept “what is.”

Despite perfectionist expectations from within and without, the real objective is to keep pushing our growing edge. To allow space for growth, we can use a daily practice (such as exercise, meditation, journaling, even prayer) as an opportunity to slow down and peacefully check in with ourselves. These practices expand our capacity for acceptance when we use them to let go of thoughts about what we should be in favor of appreciating what we already are.

Often times a 10 minute meditation break allows me to focus on gratitude or repeat a positive mantra. As I practice it, I reactivate the positive, accepting parts of myself. Writing is another practice I use to let go of perfectionist ideas. In my writing I explore ways to live a full and balanced life— as tools, not as standards to which we should compare ourselves. Writing functions both as a practice that enhances my awareness and as a reminder of my ideals. Any wellness practice—even reading and writing about self-improvement— keeps self-validating concepts fresh in our minds and hearts.

I am a long way from Buddha-like equanimity or enlightenment, but I try to learn from Buddhist teachings. One of those is to relieve suffering by removing desire. Perfectionism is a desire for the impossible. Acceptance is the ultimate antidote to perfectionism. Through a mindfulness practice, we develop the ability to accept what we are rather than what we think we should be.

When self-criticism and perfectionism seep into my consciousness, I remind myself that I am a learner, not a master of these ways of life. I refocus on gratitude, positive intention, and the benefits of the process itself. I practice, and then I practice some more. Practice will never make perfect. But I can be content in the knowledge that, for me, practice IS perfect.

Til next time...

Isn’t funny how a little stress in one’s life can make the daily irritants (usually little) that we all encounter much bigger than they normally are? I’ve been noticing this at work lately…

People’s reserves are diverted to take on real problems and then the little (nuisance) things become the straw that breaks the camels back. During these times I think it is important to have a mindset of non-judgment. Let me explain.

Instead of expecting things that we see as negatives to occur simply be prepared for things to happen and when they do accept them as the reality of the situation. Any person paying conscious attention to life knows that unexpected things happen. Someone driving in rush hour traffic every day to work knows that they are going to get cut off. And yet most people fly into a rage every day at the same thing. This is non-acceptance and a blinding failure to learn from experience. If you complain about something you’re not accepting it.

The underlying idea is to let go of opinions. You might feel that someone should not be rude and cut you off in traffic. That is an opinion and despite that people will cut you off in traffic. Accept that it will happen and when it does just smile. Like all things this is a skill and to acquire a skill it must be practiced. Start with easy things and build from there. Practice consciously and actively letting go of your non-acceptance. The art of letting go (or non-doing) is quintessential to a free life skillfully lived.

Til next time…

Rebooting....

For a guy who has been in the recreation business for a quadrillion years, I sure can’t shoot baskets worth a (insert your favorite word here). But for some reason I am attracted to the basketball court - I like to shoot free throws to zone out and often end up observing my body trying to learn or relearn something new. For sure basketball is an area where I'm no expert. Yet time after time I find it amazing what I feel when I sink one after another - as well as when I miss several in a row.

When I'm successful, I am fully connected to the ball and basket. When I'm not, mind, body and spirit are scattered throughout the gym. I’m just out of sinc…

This is something that is not often discussed. Yet it's a major key to developing your mental and spiritual strength.

Most students of success have trouble getting results because they are physically lazy. They want to just sit there and visualize. Or say positive affirmations. Or write their goals in a notebook. Or listen to peaceful music. Or do a series of chants or prayers.

All of the above are good.

But what about doing something physical?!

The human being needs to blow off steam on a regular basis to feel good. Whether it's punching a bag, going for a walk, swimming, cycling or practicing martial arts - a physical release does more than relax you physically.

It reboots you, it puts you back together. It doesn't just give you a balance of body, mind and spirit. It gives you all three - wrapped up in one - as one.

An elite martial artist doesn't think body, mind, spirit. He may talk in these terms to make what he's saying understandable to those who aren't integrated. But to him, he's talking about all three whenever he's talking about one.

If you do something physical each day and your ability to breathe, visualize and manifest will go off the charts.

Til next time…

Programming...

I really believe that you can program yourself into having a good day, even under the most trying of circumstances. It begins from the first moment your eyes open - then progresses through your entire day - right up to the moment before you go to sleep.

That is not to say that we will never have a challenging (read: shit) day. The trick and to some extent skill is taking each day and learning how to turn EVERYTHING that happens, the good and the supposedly bad and framing it into feedback that serves you and your purpose.

It seems to reason that when you begin your day looking for and expecting good things to happen to you - you'll attract more of them. Conversely, when you begin by looking for everything that could go wrong - you'll find more of them as well.

Think of this mental picture: Someone you admire calls you on the phone… You answer and they say, "Larry, something really good is coming to you today. I can't tell you what it is. But keep your eyes peeled for it."

After hanging up the phone, I believe you would spend the rest of the day LOOKING for the good thing coming your way.

And I bet you would FIND it.

In fact, I'm willing to bet that before the end of the day you would call the person who phoned you to give them an update. And my guess is that it would be positive.

So the moral of the story – try finding something good today, matter of fact try finding something good each day the rest of the week – see what happens, you just might find it.

Til next time…

I want to share....

I had the good fortune to read this the other day and it gave me pause. The funny thing is that I had just gotten off the phone with one of my cousin's who was lamenting about her lot in life. It was a difficult conversation for me because I found myself getting angry at her. I couldn't figure out why I had such a visceral reaction to her phone call, but then had an "ah-ha" moment after reading this.... I was getting angry because all I was hearing was complaint after complaint - and then I started to think about how or if I handled different twists in my life we grace. It seems to me if we really want to be happy, why do we act like such babies?

We can claim to be proactive in our life by settings goals and going after what we want. But if we’re always whining and complaining all the time, are we really living effectively?

If you don’t believe me, count how many times you complain about something or other in one day. Whether it be being stuck in traffic, being bothered by the weather, not enough mustard on your sandwich, or whatever it is, there are endless instances where you can find a reason to complain.

But it’s not just outside circumstances that we complain about. We complain about about ourselves too. We complain that we don’t have enough time, we don’t have enough money (this one is huge because it’s often “true”), that we’re not smart enough, cool enough, or just enough.

I know I’ve experienced plenty of unpleasantness due to complaining about things I can’t control. I never really thought about it much until I found this website about “living in a complain free world.”

Imagine how much happier you would be if you simply stopped complaining? Much of what you complain about is outside of your control anyway. What’s the point of brooding about something you have no power to change? Not very intelligent, if you ask me.

Simply becoming conscious of how much you complain is the first step to stopping. When you recognize that you’re complaining, stop and take notice of it. Ask yourself if you would rather complain, or be happy.

Are you ready to live a complaint-free, happier life?
The two steps to stop whining so much:

• Make it a priority to notice every time you complain or unnecessarily criticize. This includes judging others. Now, every time you catch yourself complaining, just stop and notice it.
  
• After you’ve noticed yourself complaining, ask yourself this: Is there anything I can do about what I’m complaining about, or it outside of my control? If there is something you can do about it, do it. If there is nothing you can do, let it go.
  

Obviously, this is a little easier said than done. Complaining is an addiction and a hard habit to break. Like any other habit to break, it will take time.

Even though it may be a long time (or possibly never) before you’re living completely complaint-free, that’s still okay. The good news is this isn’t all-or-nothing. Even 10% less complaining will have an immediate positive impact on your life. Then, once you’ve decreased your whining by 10%, you can keep bootstrapping your way down to complaining less and less.
After complaints show up less and less, something awesome starts to happen. Once your mind realizes that you won’t tolerate its moaning, it will begin to give up its efforts. (Whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of complaining that you’re complaining.)


So the question is: Would you rather complain or be happy?

(Oh and by the way, having gratitude is a great way to stop complaining.)
This article was written by Zen Habits contributor Jonathan Mead of Illuminated Mind.

Thanks for reading this... Til next time.

balancing act...

I just recently read something that stopped me in my tracks. I'll share.

"There is a balancing act you are to learn between having a burning desire and having a desire that burns you."

Seems to me that having a burning desire creates the necessary mind-set that will create the thing you want. But on the other hand, if the desire is connected to "I'm miserable unless I have this thing" - then more often than not you end up chasing success and that success will always run faster than you do.

I think the objective is to attract success; not to chase it. In my experience chasing success always seems to repel success. You never get what you are chasing. (Ok, so I am thinking about all those high school almost dates) - but seriously, at the end of the month you always come up short; you always need a "quick fix". And from expeience quick fixes don't fix anything.

Just a thought....
Til next time.