Finding yourself...

I went to my mailbox yesterday and was greeted by an envelope from a friend. I opened it 10 minutes later, as I was waiting for my vegie burger to cook. Inside, I found the card you see above.

First thought: Yes! Awesome.

Second thought: But wait. Aren’t there parts of us so deeply ingrained that we don’t quite feel we created them? Parts that we have to find?

As I continued to devour my burger, giving me ample time to contemplate as I filled my belly. I mused and chewed, and by the time I washed it all down with a glass of iced tea I realized this completely ties in with many of the questions I have asked in this blog over the past several months.

Sure, we come with a lot of stuff. We come with talents, tendencies, desires, pet peeves… the list goes on. But life isn’t about uncovering these things — it’s about what we do with them once we know they’re there. It’s about what we nurture, what we say, who we help, what we do — in essence, what we create.

So, do you want to find yourself, or do you want to create yourself? Now’s as good a time as any to get started…

Add your comments below... til next time!

I know this thought....

This past week I had a lunch appointment with a local community big wig at 11:30. I told him I'd meet him at his place.

At exactly 11:30, I pulled into his parking lot. He opened his door, got in my car and off we went. We spent a couple hours together and will probably meet again in the near future.

Now, this might not sound like a big deal - and it isn't - except for the fact that both of us kept our word. Both of us said we would do something - and we did it.

Sadly, a lot of people don't operate this way. They say one thing and do another. They promise but don't deliver. And when you let them know - they don't even apologize.

They think it's perfectly acceptable to promise to meet you, to promise to have a job finished by a certain time - and not fulfill the promise.

How can you go through life with no honor? How can you say you're going to meet someone, or deliver something on time, and not do it?

Worst of all, why is it that you think other people should put up with it?

Now, have I always been perfect about managing every detail of my schedule? No.

But if I make a mistake, if I'm late for an appointment, if I have a conflict come up that causes me to miss or be late, I'm the first guy on the horn apologizing and doing what it takes to make good on my promise.

Instead of promising and under-delivering - or not delivering at all, I believe in under-promise with over-delivery. Give people more than they expected.

A few weeks back I held a 2 hour seminar at a retirement community. There was no charge. I showed up early, started on time and when it was supposed to end, I continued until every question was asked and answered. I ended up giving 40 minutes more than was expected - at a free event.

That's what I call honor. I also call it respect. For oneself and for the others who've traveled to hear and see you.

I'd absolutely hate myself and my life if I was any other way.

Til next time…

Be Quick, but don't...

Often times I’ll run across a quote that speaks to me. Just the other day I read one from Coach John Wooden, "Be quick, but don't hurry."

Another one from Bob Proctor, "Don't slow down. Calm down."

When it comes to the question of being overwhelmed, it's amazing how many people feel confused or out of balance after attending a seminar or class or get a new project wherein a ton of new ideas or concepts are introduced or tossed around.

A few years back after a week long intensive training, I told the group that I was leading, "If you're feeling overwhelmed… Good! That means your getting the new stuff confused with the old.

There really is a simple reason for all of this confusion. All you have done over this past week is force fed new information into an already full brain. But you're not DOING anything with the information. It’s just bubbling around and rearranging the furniture in your head. What you need to do is strike a balance. Study - then do. Study some more - then do.

You really haven't learned anything until you start to do something with the new information. You have to test the new and see if it applies, then experience any differences (compare the old concepts vs the new) and evaluate (the most important thing) - the result."

This concept was totally foreign to many of the people I spoke to. They thought that learning and doing was the same thing.

Not in my world of the world of the creative.

Creators understand that you don't know anything until you can use it and apply it. Reciting what you supposedly know is not demonstrating that you can apply it. There’s a BIG difference.

In school you learn to memorize and recite. I don’t consider that real learning. Nor is it real thinking.

Thinking involves asking yourself questions - and coming up with answers. Now learning also involves thinking, but then doing something with what you just learned.

I'll never forget how shocked the audience I spoke to was when I explained how I read a "how to" book - or go through a "how to" course.

I read the first chapter or lesson - then I stop reading and start doing.

Then I read the next lesson. Then I stop reading and start doing. This method allows me to apply the thoughts, concepts and principles. So I really do learn and change.

It really is such a simple formula. It's not hurried. But boy is it quick.

Meanwhile, those who read the whole book or course and do nothing - get nothing but get overwhelmed.

They hurried through the book - and got nothing out of it.

Now, does this mean I'm against speed reading? Not at all.

I believe learning how to read fast is one of the most important skills you can master. But even when you read fast, the key lies in being relaxed and focused. That’s where you learn to breathe deeply as you read – (Evelyn Wood has been good to me), this is just another tool of being able to go fast - even when you're not hurrying.

Frantically rushing is the enemy. Going slower can often be quicker. Being relaxed increases speed.

You can make haste slowly and get there faster, if you'll relax and breathe.

And if this message is overwhelming, get up and move. Be quick - but don't hurry.

Til next time…

Geen power foods....

April is 22nd is Earth Day, and being or at least trying to be a good steward to Mother Earth I have been becoming more “green”. Well, not only am I trying to reduce my carbon foot print by doing good things for this plant, I am also trying to “green-up” my diet. (I’m sure turning 50 this year and having a major physical looming over my head would have no bearing on this at all!) So I beg the question…. Are you getting enough greens in your diet?


If not, it's time to reconsider. Dark leafy greens like spinach and those in the kale family (collard greens, for instance) are heart healthy, packed with cancer-fighting antioxidants, and excellent sources of vitamin C, vitamin K, beta-carotene, and folate (a nutrient that's especially important for pregnant women). Because of their benefits you might even consider these “power foods”, but the best part: they are tasty, refreshing, filling, and super low in calories! Seems like you can perk up your next salad with one or more of these leafy veggies:

Arugula: One cup of these lobed, peppery greens (also known as rocket) contains just 5 calories! Make them the star of a salad or toss them into a mix of baby greens and other vegetables (or try them with sliced fresh pears and goat cheese). You'll find arugula in markets from early spring through summer. Look for young, tender leaves. But be sure to finish them off within two days because they don't stay fresh for long.

Romaine: This type of lettuce is much more rich in nutrients than lighter varieties like iceberg — so if you prefer a crunchy salad, opt for romaine instead. Also known as cos lettuce, romaine is mildly flavored and has coarse leaves with a large rib down the center. While it provides a whopping 55 percent of your daily value of vitamin A, one cup of shredded leaves has only 8 calories. And because it's available year-round, it can be a salad staple! Tasty tip: Romaine makes a great salad with diced apples and walnuts.

Radicchio: Italian chicory, as it's sometimes called, comes in small, round, cabbagelike heads. While not technically "green" (the more common variety has red leaves with white veins, but it can also be white or green with red speckles), radicchio delivers an antioxidant punch (similar to that of blueberries) that helps reduce damage caused by nasty free radicals. It contains 9 calories per shredded cup and tastes mildly bitter (but mellows when it's cooked). In addition to chopping it up for a salad, you can prepare it as it's done in Italy — grilled with olive oil or cooked in risotto and pasta.

Mache: This green goes by a couple of different monikers, including corn salad and lamb's lettuce. It has narrow, spoonlike leaves that grow in clusters (or rosettes). Some varieties have a flavor resembling that of hazelnuts, but the delicate taste can become bitter as the leaves age. While higher in calories than other greens (20 per cup), mache has health benefits galore — it can improve your blood pressure, heart health, brain function, and immunity. Enjoy it with other tender-leaf lettuces or add it to omelets, soups, or grain or potato salads.

Well that is my bit for the “greening” of America

Til next time…

Laughter…

In an over-medicated, quick-to-prescribe-pills world that we live in, sometimes the most simple and natural approach can be the best solution for what ails a person. We get so caught up in the numbers and stats that oversight becomes inevitable; the byproduct being side affects which lead us to believe that the next pill will somehow magically become the smoking bullet, the pill to end all pills.

And while all of this scrambling progress leaves us convinced that we are indeed moving forward, there lies an answer that is easy, free, tried and true. It's the healing power of laughter (University of Maryland Medical Center):

Laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore. The study, which is the first to indicate that laughter may help prevent heart disease, found that people with heart disease were 40 percent less likely to laugh in a variety of situations compared to people of the same age without heart disease."

So what is it about laughter that seems to heal us in a way that pills simply cannot? (Web MD):

We change physiologically when we laugh. We stretch muscles throughout our face and body, our pulse and blood pressure go up, and we breathe faster, sending more oxygen to our tissues.

People who believe in the benefits of laughter say it can be like a mild workout — and may offer some of the same advantages as a workout."

Scientific studies aside, just think about how you feel when you are laughing. You feel light, healthy, care-free. And more importantly, if you're laughing you are definitely not feeling stressed out, depressed, and unhealthy. The Web MD article goes on to explain how laughing increases/improves the following:

1. Blood Flow
   
2. Immune Response
   
3. Blood Sugar Levels (lowered)
   
4. Relaxation and Sleep
   

So if you've had a bad day and you're trying to figure out what to watch on your Tivo, pick the comedy and do something good for your body!

Til next time…

My new workout shirt…

One of my clients/friends came up with one of my favorite slogans of all time, when during a recent session he cried out plaintively, "F. U. Exercise!" I am so getting that on a shirt. It's my workout feeling put into words: F.U. Exercise.

In his case he was being funny while he was also doing whatever evil thing I asked him to do. But damn if I don't feel that way often. Here's what it's like for me. Exercise is hard and it hurts and it can become one of those big fat "shoulds" in your day, along with gathering stuff so you can do your taxes and eating leafy greens and putting on actual clothes. If I don't get it out of the way early, it haunts me like a ghost dog. "You still neeeeeed to work out, woooooo. You haven't worked out yet, wooooo."

And that's just getting me to do it! Once I start, damn, then I get sweaty and it's painful and some days it provides me with vivid proof that I am a weak fraud and a failure. It requires effort, and being willing to challenge yourself, and a certain willingness to suffer reasonable pain in the moment for a long-term outcome. And you have to be consistent. Damn, I don't like ANY of those things. Why can't there be some long term benefit to laziness and lolling around in bed, hmmm? How fair is that?

That does it: I quit. New blog will be solely focused on sitting in the sun on my balcony in flip flops and an old t-shirt (with FU Exercise boldly on the chest), just doing nothing. The posts will flow from that.

But then, I unfortunately remember that I'm vain and I like the way I look and feel better when I exercise. Sorry, that's part of the motivation here. Oh, and it does give me a post-workout glow-y feeling, and a sense that at least I accomplished one good thing, even if the workout was suckitude itself. (My low standards for myself are truly an asset sometimes. "Eh, you did something - you're good.") And yeah, it's all very nice to be able to carry heavy things and do push ups and see progress on occasion and accomplish things, blah blah blah. I mean, the whole "strong" thing is nice. And I like being an example of athleticism for my kid. Yeah, whatever.

So here's the thing: The other day I suddenly remembered this moment from when I was in college. I will tell you I feel a little bit uncomfortable sharing this story, for lots of reasons, but I will anyway, because that's what happens when I've had hot chocolate late at night. I had been running regularly for a couple years, and was weight training (unheard of for tennis players) and doing old time functional fitness stuff. But despite all that, and the fact that I had a consistent program and all, it still felt like I was just sort of doing my thing, it didn't mean anything really. I was still the same sort of lazy shlump I always was.

So towards the end of practice one day, our coach decided he had to punish us since we lost so badly the day before. He had that brilliant idea face on, and decided that we needed to do fifty 50 yard sprints at the end of practice – (frankly I think he just lost an argument with his wife and was ticked off at everything in life – he did that often) So after a two minute diatribe of how inept and piss poor we were we as a tennis team were summoned to the track.(We lost 6 matches to 3 against the 4^th ranked team in the country!) He and his assistant stood fifty yards apart and started blowing the whistles… This is going to be fun…and then started doing sprints in my usual zoned-out way, and when I was done, I looked around and realized I had finished first. "Did I forget to do part of it? Did I count the number of sprints wrong?" I asked my coach, a little panicked. He shrugged, and said, "Maybe you are just fast."

What the fuck? I'm not fast. Yea a little strong, maybe even quick first step, but never fast! I played sports I usually got picked last for teams because I feigned indifference, and I ran slow, and there is not ONE part of me that is at all physically good at anything remotely resembling a sprint.

Except…maybe actually doing this shit resulted in, I don't know, getting better and FASTER! I was okay at being okay at it. Being, well…good at it? Some of it. Improving Getting fit, whatever that means.

I guess what I'm saying is that moment was the beginning of me changing how I saw myself. Obviously there's plenty of people who are better athletes than me—thousands of them, and I don't like to think about them at all, those bastards. But that part is not very important. It took a little competition for me to see myself as athletic, but competition is only one avenue, and it can screw you over just as easily, if all you are is relative to how you do against other people. (I tell myself this daily sometimes, especially when I lose.) The point here is the yet-again silly realization that doing something actually changed me, and it just took a little longer for my picture of myself to catch up. But I'm glad it did, because I like feeling this way.

I've had lots of moments like this in my life: Caring for others made me realize I'm an a-hole(tough love), getting writing jobs made me realize I'm a writer, and so on. And actually exercising regularly made me realize I can do it, and get better at it. I would like to keep feeling that way, so I have to keep doing it.

Of course I can't help but be amused at the thought, "What if I did count my sprints wrong that day?" Fake epiphany!?…. Either way though, it's been a good thing.

I really hate all the rah-rah total epiphany exercise stuff out there, so I get leery of making too much of anything, especially with all the so called gurus promising your life will change if you lose ten pounds. I'm just saying, for me, this has been an accomplishment, and something that made me and makes me feel better. FU exercise still applies. But I also know that I can't quit and hope that I never do. Because I'm happier now.

Til next time….

“U inconsiderate…Jerk!”

I was having a talk with my son the other day, sitting him down and talking about consideration — how to think of others, and not just yourself. It's a key concept that makes such a difference in life that it's one of the few things I really want to teach my son.

It's so sad because I see so many inconsiderate people around me every day — people, who only care about what they want and don't think of others, don't see things from the perspective of other people. People who cut you off in traffic, who cut in front of you in line, who say rude things, who take your parking spot, who hurt your feelings. I try to brush these things off, but it's unfortunate that so many people are so inconsiderate.

Thing is, they aren't trying to be mean or rude … they just aren't thinking of others. And I don't think they're aware of this. I think they think they're being perfectly fine, and don't think of themselves as inconsiderate.

I'm a good example — I think I'm fairly considerate, but there are plenty of times when I'm inconsiderate without realizing it. I realized when I was having that talk with my son, that I had been rude to someone earlier that day. Then I started to think of all the ways I'd been selfish recently. And I realized that I'm not as perfect as I think.

You probably aren't either. While you might not be the "jerk" I called you in the title of this post, there are very few of us who are considerate without fail. I have an uncle who is the most considerate person I know — he's one of my role models — and he can skip this post. The rest of us need it, I think.

What are the consequences of being more considerate? To start with, I think it feels good — we like being kind to others, doing nice things for others, making others happier. Second, it makes our lives better in so many other ways — people will treat you with more respect and kindness, will like you better, will be more likely to want to work with you and be with you. Third, it makes society better — when we all treat each other with consideration, we live better together, we work better together, we cooperate. Sure, there will always be jerks, but if we can make them a minority, society will be better off overall.

At the very least, you can say with surety that you're not one of those jerks. And that's a good thing, right? Here is a list of things that I went over with my son…

1. Admit you're not perfect. I'll be the first to say it: I'm far from perfect. I'm a jerk sometimes. I'm inconsiderate and selfish sometimes. And I don't usually realize it until later. If you think you're not a jerk, at least admit that you are inconsiderate at times. Try to recall those times. Think of how you could have acted differently. This is the first step, and it's an important one.

2. Place yourself in the shoes of others. This is the key to consideration — to consider the feelings and needs and wants of others, to see things from their perspective. Try to think of what others are going through, what you'd want if you were in their situation. This isn't always easy, but it gets easier with practice. And even if you're not correct in your assumptions about what another person wants or feels or is going through … the important thing is that you're making the effort, and it's a transformative one.

3. Act with compassion and kindness. If someone else is suffering, even a little, try to ease their suffering in some way. Treat others with kindness, respect, love. Do it in little ways — a smile, a kind word, a thank you, a hug, doing something to ease their burden, going out of your way to be courteous, holding open a door, letting another person in front of you in traffic. Little tiny acts will make a huge difference.

4. Practice, practice. Old habits die hard, especially ones like this where we rarely think about it. Keep it in the forefront of your consciousness by making every interaction with another person a chance to practice being considerate. Every time you talk to someone, email someone, see someone on the street … make this an opportunity to practice consideration. Practice, and practice some more. That's the only way you get good at anything.

5. Do 5 little things. As a way to practice, make it a goal to do 5 little things each day that are kind and considerate. It doesn't matter what those things are — cooking something for a family member, tidying up a bit, sending a nice thank-you email to a co-worker, lending a hand to a friend, being there to listen to someone's problems … I'm sure you could think of a thousand little things. Do this every day, and you'll soon be a pro.

Let me know what you think… Til next time.

How to Go From Fat To Fit For Good

Editor's note: This is a guest post from Andrew of Go Healthy Go Fit.

The journey of transforming your body from out of shape to fit as a fiddle is a long one with many twists and turns. It behooves you to focus on the end result at the onset of that journey because you may lose motivation as results come slowly. But if you can't visualize the possibility of going from one extreme to another, you won't be able to stay the course.

I know from experience, having gone from being classified as obese at 245 pounds (25% body fat) to now being classified as an athlete at 175 (9.5% body fat).

So how do you stay motivated during the process?

Staying motivated during this process is arguably the most important part of the journey. If you start doubting yourself, you will fall off. So go the other way with it and get yourself pumped up! Here are a couple of tricks that can help you stay motivated:

•    Set goals to reach, like being able to do 10 pull ups
•    Use your favorite movie quotes to motivate you
•    Find a line in a song that sends shivers down your spine when you hear it
•    Write down your progress (your weight, body fat percentage, the amount of weight you can lift for a specific exercise) but only compare it on a long timeline
•    Pick someone with what you would consider to be an ideal body and aim for that
•    Write down the jean size you're going for
•    Create a fitness equation that breaks down, by percentage, what you think it's going to take to get the job done. Here's mine (15% Heart, 10% Dedication, 20% Will Power, 5% Luck, 10% Desire, 10% Reflection, 20% Consistency, 10% Humility)

Whatever you chose to motivate yourself, customize it for you and print it up. You can put it around your mirror, computer screen, in a private diary, etc. This is all about what motivates you, so don't worry about what anyone else would think about your choice or music or movie line, because what they think truly doesn't matter.

Know Which Whole Foods You Can Stick With

I'm assuming that we all know and accept that eating nutrient dense whole foods, green leafy vegetables for example, is a key factor in weight loss and sound health. But you don't hear enough people talk about picking the whole foods that you like. In order to consistently eat healthier, you have to enjoy what you are eating.

However, you can't say that you don't like vegetables! That one just isn't in the cards. So if you enjoy Spinach more than Brussels Sprouts, enjoy the Spinach! Look up recipes that you can put your favorite vegetables in. There are tons of great food blogs out there that showcase their healthy recipes.

Know Which Foods To Stay Away From

Everyone has certain foods that seem to do more damage than others when it comes to their fitness. Processed foods, candy bars, jam-packed-with-sugar-Jamba Juices (yeah, I said it) are usually some of the big culprits. So find out what food or foods seem to keep you from losing weight and only have them on the occasional cheat day, if at all.

This list of foods may change as your goals change. If your ideal look is that lean, muscular/toned Hollywood physique, than I will tell you from personal experience that staying away from carbs such as grains, potatoes and pastas may help you out.

Find Your Favorite Exercise And Own It

My buddy Rusty talks about this all the time. In the world of fitness, everyone always says you should switch it up, and it does help your progress. But if you like a classic and effective workout, such as pull ups, as much as I do, keep doing them until you are a pro! You will be proud of yourself for getting good at an exercise that you enjoy. If possible, try and chose a good compound exercise like bench press, pull ups, push ups, dead lifts, etc.

This Is A Lifestyle Change, Not A Diet

This is a whole new life, not a month long excursion into healthy eating and/or fitness. It's not important if you get it all right off the bat or if you do it gradually, but consistency is where the results reside. Counting calories is not a necessity, but understanding the cost of them is paramount. In your former lifestyle, you ate "X" amount of calories. In this new, healthy lifestyle you will be eating "Y" amount of calories. I had to understand that concept before I saw any gains (or losses for that matter). At least at first, writing down what you eat can help you begin to understand how many calories you should be eating (a.k.a. your caloric deficit).

Same goes for exercising. You've got to be consistent. I know Leo talks about this in The Power Of Less, and he's right on point. Its like the tortoise and the hare, slow and steady wins the race. So figure out how many days a week you can go to the gym and stick with it. Then adjust it as your goals change.

Accepting That Your Life Will Change For The Better

Most think that this is an easy part of the journey, but it's really hard… and scary for that matter. Change is always hard to deal with and transforming your physical appearance is no different. My whole life, I was always the token fat funny guy. That's who I was, it was a part of me. During my switch to a healthy lifestyle, I had to come to grips with the fact that I would be received differently by others, which brings me to my next point.

You won't believe the difference in how people listen to you. Before I lost the weight, people would of course hear what I had to say, but they were much more focused on what they were going to say after I was done. Then I lost the weight and I started to notice that people were much more invested in what I had to say. It's amazing to think that a person's appearance can change the way people interact with that person, but it's true.

Never Stop Seeking Out Good Advice

When it comes to the difference between hearing what people say and actually listening to what they're saying, it goes both ways. Being able to open your ears and listen to what others have to say will help you for the rest of your life, especially in health and fitness. Three of the main tools currently at my disposal are in direct contradiction to how I used to think. If I had shut myself off to others suggestions, I would never have experienced the benefits of Intermittent Fasting, Paleo eating, and High Intensity Interval Training.

Make It Fun!

The best thing about getting into shape is that it opens doors to fun activities. You'll get better at sports, feel more comfortable in revealing swimwear, be able to hike up higher mountains, the list goes on as high as your imagination wants it to go. I was so happy the first time I got to the top of Half Dome. I was proud when I did the entire hike in 6 and a half hours. So enjoy yourself, cause it's going to be lots of fun!

Read more great health and fitness posts from Andrew at his blog, Go Healthy Go Fit.

A deeper thought…

I do my best reading and thinking early in the morning – probably why I am an early riser… Anyway, I used to keep an interesting journal (at least to me) and regret somewhat that I've gotten out of the habit. It wasn't your usual "this is what I did today" journal. It was a "Thought" journal.

Writing has always been a tool that has helped me get through several happenings in my life and something that I would strongly recommend especially if you find yourself in a particular circumstance that may be challenging – I think it helps you to keep things in perspective.

Using this technique I have found that it is interesting to look back on how I used to perceive things vs. they way I see things today. After living through the event. At times is seems that I'm a completely new person yet other times my thoughts are only reconfirmed in my mind. There's one entry in particular I've been thinking a lot about lately. I don't remember when exactly I wrote it, or why I was thinking those things at the time. But I would like to put them out here and get some outside thoughts.

I've been writing on this blog for almost a year and one half now, if there's one post I'd like people to read and comment on it's this one. It's a collaboration of thoughts that I've had and the perhaps the comments of others could help explain what I was thinking more profoundly than I. Enjoy.

Many times, people use the word "love" but do not understand what it means. They will say "I love this car" or "I love these shoes", but that isn't love. You don't love those things. You "want" them. You want to own them. True Love is a gift. Sometimes a person might say "I love this girl/boy", but in actuality they mean "I want this girl". Many of the things in this world; money, material power, people; you might want them to belong to you, but that isn't True Love. You don't love those things. You love the idea of ownership of those things. You love what you think ownership will mean to you.

Perhaps having that car means freedom ... or security ... or some other emotional state ... but ultimately it is just a desire for whatever that "thing" means to you. Do you love the girl/boy or do you love what being with that person means to you? True Love is a gift given to others. There is no sacrifice with True Love. Their happiness brings about your own happiness. It is important to be clear on the differences in True Love versus desire for ownership. It is also important to understand that True Love and Romantic Love are different things too. Sometimes they are coupled together, but you can have one without the other. When True love and material desire are against each other, True Love will always win.

For example, if you truly love someone, and they would like something that you own, you will gladly give it to them. True love has no ownership ... it has no self ... no personal desire ... it is only given as a gift. It is not something you want for yourself. There are no attachments, and with no attachments, there is no pain. If your girlfriend or boyfriend leaves you and you have True Love for them, you want only what makes them happy, even if it's not in your personal best interests. Attachments to your best interests aren't as important to you as their happiness. You are happy if they break up with you if it will make them happier. If you just have the love of attachment, or just have romantic love without True Love, then that loss hurts because you are thinking of your own personal loss of ownership or attachment with that person.

True love is obviously not as common in today's world. A person might love their clothes ... or might love an activity like singing, dancing, playing an instrument, photography, martial arts, whatever it may be ... but if their True Love says "I want you to stop those things and move with me to New York" then you will stop them and move. In essence you could have True Love for those activities. A complete dedication to something they really want to do or achieve. People will see that nothing in this world is truly ours anyway. That ownership is simply an illusion of the mind. The only things we take with us from this world are our relationships with others. In understanding the impermanence of things, they remove themselves from attachments, perspectives and position -- they can become neutral. Seeing through the illusion of ownership allows you to give, unconditionally, of yourself to others, and to demonstrate the qualities of True Love.

A Quick Story

Once a woman when having a conversation with her lover, asked:

Woman: Why do you like me..? Why do you love me?

Man: I can't tell the reason.. but I really like you..

Woman: You can't even tell me the reason… how can you say you like me? How can you say you love me?

Man: I really don't know the reason, but I can prove that I love you.

Woman: Proof? No! I want you to tell me the reason. My friend's boyfriend can tell her why he loves her but not you! I need to hear it!

Man: Ok..ok!!! Erm… because you are beautiful, because your voice is sweet, because you are caring, because you are loving, because you are thoughtful, because of your smile, because of your every movement.

The woman felt very satisfied with the man's answer. Unfortunately, a few days later, the woman met with an accident and went into a coma. The man then placed a letter by her side and this is what it said:

"Darling, Because of your sweet voice that I love you…Now can you talk? No! Therefore I cannot love you. Because of your care and concern that I like you… Now that you cannot show them, therefore I cannot love you. Because of your smile, because of your every movement that I love you… Now can you smile? Now can you move? No, therefore I cannot love you… If love needs a reason, like now, there is no reason for me to love you anymore. Does love need a reason? No! Therefore, I still love you…"

"True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away."

"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you."

I realize some of that may be extreme, but none of it was thought in an obsessive context. Let me know what you think…

Til next time…

No TIME!

It's a problem that most people face: they want to work on many worthwhile, amazing things, but with all the things they have to get done in their lives, there just isn't time.

My usual response is: make the time. That is usually followed by a client's glare, expletive and then angry face….

But how can you make the time if you just have too many things to do and no time left over? Two ways: cut back on time-wasters, and simplify your commitments.

While functioning as a therapist with a treadmill (personal training) one of my clients was venting and the conversation went something like this…

"I totally commend your approach – I set aside time first thing to do what is important - I look for what is most beneficial in the long term – but I have what may be a female / mother / main career / worker problem…

I am building a new business having given up a large income in a career I didn't like. (The loss of my sister to cancer - aged 43 with 2 young children - made me re-evaluate my entire life!)There are so many things I want to, and need to do – but, when I look at my goals – I have to put them behind my two boys and the family. Let me explain – before I can even consider any plan of attack – I have to:

– Make packed lunches for my boys
– Take / pick them up, to / from school
– Walk the dog
– Feed the fish and the rabbit
– Do the accounts for my husband's business
– See my own customers
– Take my kids to their various activities – piano, guitar, drums, saxophone, Chinese, swimming…
– Do homework, music practice, bathing, reading etc.. with the boys (which don't get me wrong – I love and get great pleasure from..)

But – how am I supposed to find time to carry out what you propose? I have tried, very hard – but things that are important to me and that I put down as my goals end up being sabotaged by the list of things that HAVE TO BE DONE TODAY!"

You'd be surprised at how many times I've heard theses similar word as my clients warm up on a treadmill – this situation is pretty common — her day is loaded with commitments. I'd say she'll have a hard time finding the time to work on her goals until she simplifies things a bit.

Some ideas:

• The kids might be doing too much. My son does the same thing — scouts, sports, church activities, school stuff, etc. — but sometimes it's good to scale back their schedules and have them choose just the things that matter most to them. Kids don't have to have activities every second of the week — some free time is good for them.
  
• Consider prepping their lunches the evening before, to give you more time in the morning.
  
• Consider outsourcing your husband's accounting work. Sure, it may initially cost a little more but she could be making a heck of a lot more closing deals with her clients as her business takes off. It's a good investment.
  
• If the pets are taking up a lot of your time, consider not having any. Pets are another complication that might not be worth the time, for some people. Before pet owners write in with outrage, please understand that this is just something to be considered. I'm not saying people should never have pets. Some of my best friends are pets!
  

There are probably other ways she can simplify her commitments, but you get the idea. Nothing is set in stone. Even meeting with clients, even picking up the kids, even doing certain things with them … these are not necessarily set in stone. For example, my light bulb moment came after our son could make his own breakfast and lunch, when he could bathe, dress and clean up after himself has greatly simplified both his mom's and my life. There was a lot of teaching involved, but well worth the investment.

Your life will be filled with different commitments, but the important thing is to make a list of all of them and evaluate each and every one. Which are most important? Perhaps my client decides that spending time with the kids and clients are most important — keep those. Eliminate the others, as much as possible, over time. It's possible — I've done it and many others have as well.

Once you free up the time — use it wisely!

Another thing to consider is how you spend the rest of your time. Do you watch a lot of TV? Do you surf the Internet a lot? Spend time with different online social networking — forums, Twitter, Facebook, Digg, and so on? Playing video games? You might consider cutting back on these time-wasters to make time for your goals. I know when I cut back on TV, it freed up a lot of my time.

We're all busy. We all have a lot of things to do. But if your goals are really important to you, you can make the time. Simplify your commitments, and cut back on time-wasters. You can do it!

Til next time…

Liv’n Life…

WE ARE ALL, RIGHT NOW....RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT....LIVING THE LIFE WE CHOOSE.

Interestingly enough...this choice is not a single, monumental choice. No one decides, for example, "I'm going to move to L.A., and in five years I will be a trainer for the stars." Or I am going to marry a dreadful person and we will live together in a loveless marriage, staying together only for the kids." No! You must understand that choices are made on a daily, hourly, moment by moment basis.

Do we try something new, or stick to the tried-and-true? Do we take a risk or eat what's already on our dish? Do we ponder an adventure or do we stay at home? Do we indulge our heart, or cater to our fear?

SO THE QUESTION I ASK YOU IS: Do you pursue what you want or do what's comfortable?

Til' next time…

Oh… a few more thoughts.

"We act as though comfort and luxury are the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about."

- Charles Kingsley

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover will be YOURSELF!"

-Alan Alda

Festering Fears…

I was reading recently and ran across a passage that struck a chord with me … the main character is avoiding thinking about increasingly urgent letters from banks and creditors, trying to push these worries out of her mind:

"I'm well aware that at the back of my mind, thumping quietly like a drumbeat, are the twin horrors of Guilt and Panic….. If I let them, they'd swoop in and take over. I'd feel completely paralyzed with misery and fear. So the trick I've learned is simply not to listen. My mind is very well trained like that."

This passage struck a chord because I've been there. I've had those horrors of guilt and panic at the back of my mind, many times.

I've done it with debt —trying to ignore it, not wanting to face it.

I've done it with my health, knowing I was growing overweight, not wanting to think about the things I was eating.

I've done it with drinking, knowing it was bad for me, but trying not to think about it, sipping away.

I've done it with projects that I knew I should be working on, but didn't want to think about them … because I was afraid, for some reason, to face them.

This may sound all too familiar, having fears lurking in the deepest, darkest corners of your mind. Fears you don't want to face and try to push back, closing your eyes so you don't have to see how horrible they are?

If it does, I highly recommend you face them now. Be bold and brave. Bring them out into the light of day. It's an amazing relief when you actually do face these fears. They actually turn out to be not so bad, not so overwhelming or intimidating. It's a huge load off your shoulders — when you're liberated from your fear!

So What Are Your Fears?

I don't mean fears like the fear of height or spiders or public speaking … although you should face these fears too … I'm talking about fears that you know you should face but just push back anyway, not wanting to deal with them. Think about it right now — what has been lurking at the back of your mind?

Is it debt or some other financial problem? Not wanting to face retirement planning, or creating a will, or getting insurance?

Is it health? Overeating? Junk food? Sweets? Smoking? Lack of exercise?

Maybe it is relationships? A bad relationship? Guilt over something you've done to someone else? Not spending time with a loved one? Not dealing with a festering relationship problem?

Is it work? Perhaps a project you've been procrastinating on. Something you've been hiding from everyone else? Something you might have lied about?

Maybe it is clutter. Do you have piles of papers and stuff all over your house? Are there things in your home you've been leaving undone?

It could be anything — something you know you should deal with but don't want to think about. If you identify it now — that's the first step, and it's an important one.

Bring the Fear Into the Light
Fears have power over us not because they're so horrible — even if some of them might be kinda bad — but because we allow them to hide in the darkness and intimidate us. We are paralyzed by these fears. As a great man once said, "we have nothing to fear … but fear itself".

The solution: shine some light on the fear.

The answer to the problem of darkness has always been light. Bring the fear into the daylight, and it won't be so powerful. Sure, the problem will still exist, and it may be a difficult problem. You'll still have that debt to deal with — but it will simply be a matter of cutting back on some expenses so you can make bi-weekly payments on your debts, until they're eliminated. That's not so terrible when you think of it that way — a series of actions that needs to be taken.

So you have to start by shining some light on your fear — and do this by sitting down and thinking about the problem. Write it out. Make a list. If it's debt, write down all your debts and get the amounts owed. If it's health, write down exactly what your health problems are, in detail. It may seem silly to write down problems, but this is how you shine the light on them: by taking an honest look at them.

If you have problems even taking a look at the problem, ask yourself this question: what's the worst thing that could happen?

Often it's not that bad. If it's debt, the worst is that you'd have a large debt to pay off, and it would take a long time. Or maybe that you'd have to file for bankruptcy — which isn't as bad as you might think. I've had relatives that filed for bankruptcy, and gasp, they are living normal lives right now.

If the worst-case scenario really is bad, seek help. Talk to someone about it — a friend or family member, or someone online even. This is another good way to shine some light on the problem — share it with someone else.

Make a Plan of Action
Once, you've taken a look at the fear, make a plan to take action. You overcome the fear with action. When you take action on a problem, it's not so bad — it's just a series of steps you need to take to solve the problem. You aren't paralyzed anymore when you start to take action.

Make a simple plan, on a small sheet of paper, to solve the problem. What actions are needed? Make the steps actually actionable — instead of "cut back on spending", write "make a list of expenses that can be eliminated" or something like that. Instead of "start paying off debts" write something like "set up automatic payment for Visa card".

The plan will kill the fear. What a plan will do is to take something that is scary and unknown, and turn it into something concrete, solvable, doable. Then all you have to do is take action. Take the first step on your action plan, and do it. (start today if possible.) This action will be the final nail in the coffin of your fear. Once you're taking action on the problem, the fear stands no chance, because it's no longer something lurking in the dark that you can't conquer — it's just a few items on your to-do list that you can knock off in less than an hour each.

"You must do the things you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Festering Fears….

It's good to learn to recognize these fears and to become aware of them. They really have power over us when we allow them to fester in the dark, when we do our best not to think about them.

When you notice that you have one of these fears, shine some light on it by writing it down, talking to someone about it, writing out a plan, and taking action. It's not impossible — it's doable.

And when you've done that, you'll feel light, relieved and happy.

Til next time…