What you can expect for this New Year

I've been way to serious of late. I know, I know, the holidays, new year - new you and all of that, but the truth is, that if we don't insert some fun making these changes over the next year our chances of being successful goes down dramatically. That said, I had a moment of inspiration and imagined headlines at CNN and Fox for this coming year - hey it’s just the start of a whole new year, I may not be that far off. For the record, expect the following:


A number of books written by overweight people in aggressive defense of overweight people will soar to the top of the bestseller lists, with such titles as Call Me Fat One More Time and I’ll Sit on You and What Are YOU Looking at, You Skinny Little &%#@!!?

Video of a 335-pound housewife in Muncie, Indiana attempting to do jumping jacks in time to Abba’s “Dancing Queen” will be the most visited video on YouTube for six consecutive weeks. She will subsequently make appearances on the Letterman, Oprah, and Rachael Ray shows, as well as the cover of MacWorld magazine.

Researchers will discover a genetic link between obesity and being able to touch the tip of your nose with your tongue.

Jay Leno will be fined by the FCC for telling a joke that begins “What do you call…” and ends with the punchline, “The Paris Hilton diet,” but which is too graphically crude to be fully repeated here.

Six states will pass laws limiting or banning trans fats in fast food outlets. Just to be contrary, Texas will pass a law requiring them.

Health experts will raise their prediction of how many Americans will be obese in the year 2020, from 70 percent of the population to 103 percent (with those who weigh over 400 pounds being counted twice).

The fad diet of the year will be based on Brussels sprouts, licorice, dill pickles, hominy, and nausea. Called the Gag Me Diet, it will enjoy short-lived, if intense, popularity, and then fade into obscurity.

Researchers will discover a demographic link between obesity and collecting Franklin Mint items.

Millions will attempt the so-called Second Life weight-loss program, in which the avatars of overweight gamers are made to lose 30 pounds, and then taunt and ridicule their real-life models into following suit.

A rumor will sweep the Internet that McDonalds products contain dangerous amounts of lead; by the time the nationwide wave of paranoia has subsided, the company’s stock will have fallen 19 percent, while the average American will have lost seven pounds.

Researchers will discover a clinical link between obesity and having your bed in the kitchen.

It could happen, and no, I did not drink last night! Happy New Year!


Til next time....