What the heck is an "A-ak"?

Humm...

I was handed the first volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica the other day. We were cleaning out some shelves at work. It felt weighty...maybe even learned. Yet comfortable. When I cracked it open, the spine of the volume gave me a pleasant amount of resistance - something I've long forgot about while holding a real book - I read so much electronically now days. I was curious what was the first entry.

A-ak
A-ak, wtf is that? Here is the write up... "Ancient East Asian music. See gagaku. That's the entire article. Four words and then: "See gagaku."

What a tease! Right at the start, those way to smart for the room folks at Britannica have presented me with a dilemma... Should I dig into the pile and search for volume 6 and find out what is with gagku or move on in the A section?.... Don't see volume 6 nearby, let see what else is in the AA section. Of course if anyone else brings up "a-ak" in conversation between now and then I can play it cool, bluff and say "Oh, I love gagku!"

Next word, acapella - I knew that one, I had a friend in college that belonged to an acapella group - they sang songs from Def Leppard and called it Rockapella. Not bad one for two.

The next few entries destroy my average - I didn't even come close to recognizing the names of any Chinese generals or Buddhist compendiums. Aachen followed, but I got the wrong country - it is a German city that is home to Schwerbad-Quelle, the hottest sulfur spring in the country. Who knew?

I wonder should I be memorizing this stuff? I'll move on...

Aaron - the brother of Moses. Seems that he was sort of the Frank Stallone of ancient Judaism. The loser brother, the one that Mom didn't talk about too much. I can just hear it.."Oh Aaron? He's doing okay. Still finding his way. But back to Moses. Did you hear about the Red Sea?"

Hey this is cool stuff. I'm not Jewish, and really am a mix of religious training...probably got most of my religious lore for Charlton Heston movies - I wouldn't call my self observant, though out of respect I do have a light lunch on Yom Kippur. Hey maybe this could be my belated Hebrew school.... Nah.

Next.
Oh a bunch of Persian rules named Abbas, but then I get to these two familiar faces. "Abbott, Bud and Costello, Lou.", But any sense of relief fades when I learn about their sketchy past. Turns out that the famed partnership began when Costello's regular straight man fell ill during a gig at the Empire Theater in New York and Abbott who was working the theater's box office, offered to substitute. It went so well, Abbott became Costello's permanent partner. Well there is a cautionary tale, I'm never calling in sick again!

More facts, ABO blood group - hey did you know that stomach cancer is 20 percent more common in people with type A than those with type B or O. I'm type O, missed that one - however this just proves that reading this can be more disturbing than the tale of backstabbing Costello. Clearly I have to be prepared to learn some things I don't like!

Absalom - I knew about him getting his hair caught in the branches of an oak tree, which allowed his enemy, Joab, to catch and slay him. I figure this is why the army requires crew cuts. At least that is going to be my twist on it.

Oh and you can never forget the Acoemti, a group of monks who provided nonstop choral singing in the 5th century. They did it with a relay system-every few hours, a fresh monk would replace the exhausted monk. I love this image, though I'm glad I didn't live next door. We're talking 24 hour entertainment long before MTV went on the air. Quite possibly before Mick Jagger was born....

Reading this is much harder than I expected...but at the same time, in some ways, strangely easier. In some ways this is the perfect book for someone like me, who grew up on Peter Gabriel videos and has the attention span of a gnat on methamphetamines. Each essay is a bite sized nugget. Bored with Abilene, Texas? Here comes Abolitionism. Tired of that? The abominable snowman's lurking right around the corner -oh BTW, Britannica says that the Snowman's footprints are actually produced by running bears - I'm not convinced.

Reading Britannica is like channel surfing on a very highbrow cable system, the changes are so abrupt and relentless, you get mental whiplash. You go from depressing to uplifting, from tiny to cosmic, from ancient to modern. There is no segue, no local news anchor to tell you, "And now for the lighter side." Just white space, and boom you switched from theology to worm behavior. I don't mind though. Bring on the whiplash, the odder the juxtapositions, the better. That's the way reality is - a bizarre, jumbled-up Cobb salad. I love seeing the prophet Abraham rub elbows with Karl Abraham, a German shrink who theorized about the anal expulsive and phallic stages.

Oh yes, that another thing, just like Comcast cable, there is sex. It might not be Cinemax but it's got its fair share of randiness. I've learned that Eskimos swap wives. Achagua men have three to four spouses and flowers in the Acanthaceae family are bisexual! Now that is some racy stuff. Hot. Hotter than Schwertbad-Quelle sulfur spring. I expected Britannica to be prudish, but it seems quite happy to acknowledge the seamy world below the belt.

Titillating R-rated material, that is nothing compared to the violence! It's extraordinary how blood soaked our history is. One Persian politician was strangled by servants, another suffocated in a steam bath. Or Peter Abelard, and 11th century Christian theologian who, came up with some interesting ideas - namely that deeds don't matter, only intentions. You know the guy who coined the phrase "the road to heaven is paved with good intentions." Of course the article goes into great detail about his love affair with his student Heloise, which ended rather badly. Abelard suffered castration at the order of Heloise's outraged uncle. Maybe deeds do mater?!!

Sex, violence, MTV - all this makes my diversion in Britannica much more of an adventure and much cheaper than cable. Why don't you pick up a volume an see what you can learn.

Til next time...

Oh by the way, A-ak, is Korean court music - it is ritual music that is considered elegant it was imported from China. Not sure Madonna is going to record this anytime soon.